My Space Cadette Life

coming out

2009-03-09T00:59:00.000-07:00

well...i just came out as bisexual on both facebook and myspace...let's see how many of my friends decide to stop speaking to me. i think whoever is bothered by that already has stopped their facebook relationship with me given the blatant support of No on Prop 8 on my profile, and the complaints i sent to them if they invited me to Yes on 8 facebook groups...but i'm curious to see what happens now. i've come out to my mom...this will be the first that the extended family hears about it...any high school friends...klinton's family...

i'm not really sure why i feel the need to do it, but when i ask myself, "why not?" all i can come up with is, "i don't want x person to find out." and that isn't a good reason. i don't have any shame in what i have discovered about my sexuality, i'm proud of the person that i have become. anyone that is in my life that does not share these sentiments needs to know that they are directly hurting someone they care about.

here goes...

p.s. facebook, can you please come up with better terminology for sexual orientation? i don't like to identify as 'bisexual' because i don't feel equally attracted to each gender, and i think the term perpetuates a gender binary system that needs to end. i don't know which term i like better, and it's awkward to give a paragraph description of your identity, but box-checking doesn't really cover the gamut of human sexuality either.

\end rant.

realizations at 2:42 am

2009-02-17T02:42:00.000-08:00

I keep plugging along in my quest for employment and I cruise past a billion job openings because they are not my end goal...I think I forgot that you don't usually get the job you always wanted right away. My campaign boss sort of has the jobs that I always wanted, and she got them right out of college...she, I think, is the outlier, and that the rest of us have a bit longer of a struggle. It's okay if I don't get anything really close to what I want right now, because I'll get there eventually, as long as I continue developing the right skills.

I'm not sure if the above paragraph makes sense.

re: lesbian home improvement project

My room got cluttered up pretty quickly after we painted, so it wasn't possible to take a picture of the mastery with the mastery being covered up and all. It's looking a lot better now, so I'll get cracking on those photos.

gah

people

2008-12-14T03:12:00.000-08:00

I don't like them.

What I do like:

computers
people that function and act very much like a computer
equations
clarity
transparency

my first lesbian home improvement project

2008-12-12T19:20:00.000-08:00

My roommate and I are moving to some new digs and we're totally HGTVing that shit. We marched down to Lowe's and made a joint purchase of some paint (no power tools this time). We're gonna try to get schmancy using my many years of experience watching Trading Spaces. We'll see how that goes--stay tuned for pics of my mastery/my eternal incompetence.

worries

2008-11-21T14:00:00.000-08:00

I don't think my life is going particularly well when I start feeling like I can identify with Courtney Love.

I also had the thought that when I grow up, I want to become something like the Uma Thurman character in Pulp Fiction. That can't be good either.

from the campaign trail

2008-09-12T15:03:00.000-07:00

I think I might have ADD.

that is all.

did you know...

2008-03-11T00:41:00.000-07:00

...that if you're a Kaiser Permanente employee, that you're a bloodsucking, soulless, malevolent piece of slime?

guess what, kids? if you take any sort of anti-depressant, you don't qualify for health insurance!

EVERYBODY IN THE UNITED STATES IS ON GODDAMN ANTI-DEPRESSANTS! MAYBE IF I WASN'T SO SCARED OF WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO ME WITHOUT HEALTH INSURANCE, I WOULDN'T NEED TO TAKE ANTI-DEPRESSANT MEDICATION!!!!!

Fuck you, Kaiser Permanente. "Kaiser Permanente for Individuals and Families is a cost-effective individual health care coverage program. We maintain its cost-effectiveness by only accepting for membership those individuals who successfully pass the medical underwriting screening process."

Fuck you. I hope *you* lose *your* job and that you have to figure out some way to get the medication that makes *your* life livable. I hope your children get in horrible accidents and that you can't afford to keep them alive. When that happens, I'll be there with my charitable organization to secure funds to make sure that your children don't have to die for lack of money. (You, however, deserve to die, and I would really like to be the one to deliver your death.)

to answer your questions and to clear K's name

2008-02-09T11:40:00.000-08:00

I realize that no one actually wants to know any more about my ... region than I've already gone into, but I just wanted to make sure that y'all didn't think that K was a misogynistic ape. I just really hate hair. Hair should only exist on my head. Nowhere else. If I could, I would laser my whole body or dip myself into a vat of Nair or whatever I had to just to get rid of motherfucking hair. I realize that waxing your ... region makes you look more similar to an eight-year-old, but my hatred of hair overrides this fact, because I think hair is so incredibly ugly. (On me. I don't care what other people do.)

K did not put me up to this at all; he just came with me to the salon of death for needed moral support, because I needed someone to hold me when I bawled after it was over. He did not encourage me to endure this procedure for to rox his sox. The hair removal was my idea. My very, very, very stupid idea.

Margaret: yeah, I'm thinking laser or nothing. Because the other methods of hair removal in between laser and nothing are either pain like you've never experienced before, or really annoying. And if you're going to shell out $55 for a wax treatment every month, you might as well just shell out for a permanent option that will eventually pay for itself. I'm told that lasering also kind of hurts, but not nearly as much as the waxing of death, and then you never have to deal with it ever again.

In conclusion, I'm never going to go near a waxing salon ever again, a) because it hurts like a motherfucker, b) because I am poor, and c) because I don't want to support such a ridiculous endeavor. I'm not really sure what came over me to make me think it was a good idea at the time, and I don't want to give money to the people that think we need to do this to please men. And then tell you this while they're waxing you.

Did I mention that it hurt like a motherfucker? It really fucking hurts!

(Dumbest Ever) Decision 2008

2008-02-08T09:26:00.000-08:00

This post is not about the presidential race, because, as the title says, I'm pretty dumb. Yesterday I made quite possibly the dumbest decision I've ever made: I decided to try a Brazilian wax.

Yes.

Not even just getting my toes wet with eyebrow waxing, then maybe a leg...no, I just went for it full throttle. I figured, everyone else in La Jolla probably does this, I should be able to take it!

Wrong. I was so wrong.

Here is my advice to all of you, male or female: do not get a Brazilian wax unless you have an abnormal tolerance level for pain. That hurt like a motherfucker. You hear people on TV scream while they get a bikini wax, but on TV it's over so quickly...mine was not. I lasted through four strips, screamed like a banshee, and begged her to stop. So...one side is sort of done, and I'm out $42. Can you please tell me why I did this? ???????

Here were the comedic highlights:

wax person: "You've never done this before? How old ARE you?"

me: "Twenty-three...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

wp: "Oh my god, people your age have been doing this for years! Now how cute is your boyfriend waiting out there?"

me: "He's pretty cute...waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!"

wp: "See?" (as in, "See? You need to do this barbaric procedure to keep your boyfriend)

2. me: [throwing head back in dire pain] "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIII!"

wp: "Oh, are you okay? Do you want me to stop?"

me: "No, I'm not...I can't do this anymore..."

wp: "Okay, bye!" [goes to Starbucks]

I kid you not, friends. It made me CRY. I made it out of the office and as soon as I left, I cried for like twenty minutes. That shit hurted. Don't do it.

note

2008-01-27T22:01:00.000-08:00

I feel an overwhelming wave of wifeyness now as I'm now unemployed and K is...not. At the moment I'm putting away laundry and K is programming something. (Watch, he'll read this and laugh at me because he probably wasn't actually programming...but I think he is.) I feel a consuming desire to, I don't know, read legal briefs or go weld some stuff.

a reading assignment

2008-01-27T19:32:00.000-08:00

Your reading assignment for the week is here.

A good article considering the impact the meat (and dairy) industries have on the environment, world hunger, etc. Nothing you didn't already know about, probably, but the figures in the article were very striking. I'm eager to hear your thoughts.

I'm back from my month of travel to New Mexico/Chicago/Canada...job hunting...more on this later. (I realize that the geographic items in the above sentence represent varying levels of political designations...shut up.)

update

2007-12-08T16:00:00.000-08:00

Thanks for your advice, y'all. I feel a little better from that, and from spending 12 hours by myself. Only children like me need their alone time, I guess. It's like a big drink of cool water. Thank you again :)

why i hate my life

2007-12-07T10:25:00.000-08:00

got in a car accident, still have to pay the person I hit out of pocket for her rental car expenses
can never seem to get to work on time, despite (the majority of the time) leaving a perfectly reasonable amount of time to get there

San Diegans do not know how to fucking drive! The two times it rains here per year, they think it is the apocalypse! I got on a shuttle today that always gets me to work on time, and sure enough, I was twenty minutes late. It's fucking rain!
even when on foot, I manage to delay myself by falling on my fucking head*
every time I drive I am in fear for my life

despite my, I think, awesome efforts at getting lessons together I still suck at getting grading done fast enough, and everyone yells at me
my apartment looks like the police have gone threw all of my belongings looking for drugs, then decided to have a party and use said drugs for themselves
I will be jobless again in january, and will have to perform the unfruitful job search all over again
I think I have some torn cartilage in my knee but don't have time to go to the doctor
I think one of my cavity fillings fell out and my tooth hurts, but have no idea when I'll ever get dental insurance
christmas shopping
I want a fucking pet and I'll never be able to have a cat, and can't get a dog for fucking ever
I never have time to talk to anyone and everyone hates me for it
it's been six months since I finished school and I still haven't managed to get rid of my thesis weight (like baby weight, only with paper)
I never got to have the traditional backpacking around europe trip that it seems everyone else had...how is it that people find the time to just take 3 months off from life?
have realized that I hate all my clothes now, since I haven't really bought myself clothes in three years (or, When I Found Out I Was Poor), with some exceptions
I don't have time to read books or knit (although this problem might be solved with problem #5, above)

I'm sure there are other reasons, but that's all I can think of at this moment. (to self: shut up now, you stupid white middle-class whore.)

*Refers to my fainting episode in front of the UCSD medical center. A full story is coming soon.

homesick

2007-10-28T13:04:00.000-07:00

I miss Berkeley and my life there so much right now that I don't even know what to do about it. I just want to cry. I just have the feeling that nothing is ever going to be like it was there, ever again. It's not just the city I miss; I miss the phase of my life that I was in while I was there. Because it allowed me to enjoy it on another level. I know from Avenue Q that wanting to return to college is a common problem, but it was Berkeley...the fucking most amazing place in the world.

I know things will get better with time and as I meet more friends of my own here, but I yearn to go back there. It feels just like being dumped - something you love so much being ripped away from you without your control. I'm so heartbroken.

Ew.

2007-10-27T09:05:00.000-07:00

I am helping with the writing of a midterm exam. I am writing a midterm. I am the one who is supposed to take midterms. How is it that I am formulating what will be presented to the students in a scary white packet of paper? These kids are freshmen...I remember my first midterm when I was a freshman, and it was terrifying! I am helping terrify these children! It feels so wrong...and yet I don't want to make it easy! I have this Platonic ideal of The Scholar, wearing horn-rimmed glasses and a tweed jacket with elbow patches. Live your potential!!!

best music video evar

2007-10-09T00:28:00.000-07:00

http://www1.matesofstate.com/vid/gj-goods.mov

Damn it, why can't I live in an apartment where all my friends live down the hall and we have spontaneous dance parties whenever someone cranks up Tha Tunes?

I feel like when I first realized that no, high school and the rest of my life would *not* be like Beverly Hills, 90210. The disappointment was, in a word, vast.

You should still watch this music video.

grrrreat success! [high five]

2007-09-25T21:23:00.000-07:00

Thanks to all my well-wishers; your happy thoughts helped a lot, because I passed my driving test!

Your friend Siobhan is now a licensed CA driver! Did you ever think it would happen?

Take a moment to really let that sink in!

I was pretty nervous, but not as insanely nervous as I was the first time around. I probably knew deep down that it wasn't going to be that bad, and that I *really* needed to get it to transport myself to my tutoring gig the next day. (!) But I just told myself that it was just a little something that I had to take care of in San Ysidro. The examiner wasn't terribly mean, just overdramatic, and almost failed me even though I was driving nearly perfectly. Every time I braked she jostled around and acted like I was slamming to a halt each time, and would emit a forced puff of air when I started again. When we returned to the DMV she gave me a litany of things that I did wrong (some of which I KNOW I didn't do) but passed me on a 13 out of 15 possible errors. She condescendingly told me that I probably needed a lot more practice and that I needed to get more accustomed to my car, bla bla. Whatever, bitch: you're just an ugly, disgruntled DMV employee. And I still got my license.

I still really cannot believe that I have a license, because I began to believe that I was, by definition, licenseless. But I just went in there and did it, and laughed at myself for creating this Lifetime movie-like drama around the whole thing. After I failed it the first time, I probably could have just gone back in there the next week and gotten the license, and not turned into a fraidey-cat 23-year-old with no license. But, that's just another one of the quirky things about me that you have all come to love, right? I'm mad at my parents for not just making me do this when I was in high school so that I wouldn't be just learning to drive at 23, because at this age I'm expected to be able to do this without any problem. In any case, I did it, it's over with, and now I can be a real adult.

Today, I had to drive by myself for the first time...K tried but really could not drive with me to my tutoring gig so I had to drive myself, the day after I got my license...Last night we drove the route to the person's house twice so I wouldn't have to worry about figuring out where I was going. Thanks to that, I was totally fine, and didn't even have spasms when entering the freeway like I used to when I first started to drive. I'm such a big girl now!!!

Next on the agenda: getting a big girl bed without guard rails! I'm really excited about this next milestone. It's hard to decorate around a crib.

drive test appointment tomorrow

2007-09-23T15:07:00.000-07:00

So...I have to end the saga that has plagued my life for six years...my drive test appointment is tomorrow in San Ysidro, the first of the DMV office where a drive test fatality occurred (in which a DMV employee was killed in a collision). So, um, wish me luck.

:(

sent in my hardest application!

2007-09-03T18:24:00.000-07:00

So proud of myself!

I've been dragging my feet for a long time about sending in a job application to the organization I want to work for the most, because my hopes are riding so high, and it had to be absolutely perfect to maximize my chances of getting the job. (Not like I'm SO excited about being a 9-to-5er, but still.) The whole thing was making me so nervous that the act of just editing my cover letter was too aggravating to do. But I was thinking about some of my friends that graduated before me that sent out TONS of resumes, as soon as they heard about jobs that they wanted, and were generally more workhorselike than me, and I realized I needed to just kick myself in the butt and hop to it. I don't know why I run away from things that I really want, because I'm afraid I won't get it. Self-fulfilling prophesies. But anyway, now that I've gotten a few under my belt, I feel a lot better about churning out more applications for other jobs that weren't #1 on my list.

Here comes some long-winded semi-existentialist babble. Scroll down past the small print if you'd like to spare yourself the over-dramatic internal struggle. I recommend this option.

I'm really scared to start this new working phase of my life because I've never really been in that environment...even when I worked at ICSI, it was still tied to Berkeley, and I more or less viewed it as an extension of my linguistics education. I know I'll have a lot to learn about multi-tasking and professionalism and dealing with people generally. I'm also scared that I'll stay in the work force so long that it will be too hard to return to linguistics PhD programs; however, Steve pointed out that if I am more passionate about helping the LGBTIQ community than anything else, then following my passion is probably the best thing to do...following your passion is more admirable than staying in academia to prove something to yourself. I love learning, and I love psycholinguistics, and I really wish I could continue examining those questions, but there are a lot of aspects of academia that I just can't swallow. I realized a long time ago that I have to select a work environment that will fit with my personality and temperament, not fit my temperament to a work environment. I tried that before, and tried to just push myself to accept the hardest workload I could, and I humiliated myself and fell flat on my face.

GAAAHHHHHHHH

someone please just tell me what to do

The thing I keep telling myself now is that if I only have 80-100 years on this earth, what will make the most positive impact on the world? Making a few small contributions (maybe) in our understanding of the perception of sound, or helping save some people from facing crippling discrimination, doing all I can to end gender/orientation discrimination, or discrimination of any other group for that matter? K keeps telling me that I might maybe possibly help the treatment of the deaf through psychoacoustic research somewhere down the line, but I want to directly affect and help someone's life.

Anyway...I am currently working on resumes, etc. in a bar. :D Very nice! Oh the babies! end{borat} It's hot as hell here, and our apartment, though awesome, has no cross-ventilation. We have a crappy wall unit like those window units that tries so hard, but it couldn't compete with 92 degrees. (please kill me) The library at school is closed for Labor Day and K's office isn't air conditioned on the weekends. And I hate his office. We called every cafe in the area to see if they had air conditioning and wifi, and there was no cafe that satisfied both constraints. But finally! K remembered there was a bar somewhere near our apartment that had wifi, so we've been here for five hours working and drinking beer. (Which I found actually helped my working process, because I really needed to take the edge off after mulling over my applications.) Apparently, there's another U2 fan in here, because there's been three songs so far.

We're like 80% moved in to our new apartment. I really like our new place a lot, and it's really exciting to be in a place that I know I'll be in for some time, instead of my constantly-in-flux Berkeley living. I'm excited to optimize how it is set up. (Martha Stewart, much? (I adore that woman (and did you realize that 99% of Martha Stewart Omnimedia's corporate donation money goes to Democrats?)))

Also, a plea: If no one comes down here to play with me for my birthday, it will prove to be The Saddest Birthday I Have Ever Had, possibly even sadder than my sixteenth birthday, which I imagined to be twinkly and pink, replete with a kiss from A Boy, but turned out to be a cake and a sad party hat that I made myself to cheer myself up. Geoffrey's down here, but you can't put all of the party hat responsibilities on his head, despite his head being covered with awesome hair. You have two days! Come here pleeeease, I'll bake you a cake. I might even be able to finagle you a kiss from A Boy (despite my inability to secure one for my sixteenth birthday).

cowtown sightings

2007-08-16T11:16:00.000-07:00

This story isn't going to be surprising in any way, and it would probably be funnier if you knew the people involved in the story, but I had a good laugh about it.

My mom went to the supermarket (SaveMart) in town (yes, THE supermarket. There is another one, but no one goes there.) She ran into a woman there that with whom we used to attend church (before we left the church in protest of the Evil Priest that made everything all holy roller) and they started catching up as we haven't seen them in six or seven years. My mom asked about her four kids and was shocked that they were already in high school. The woman asked how I was doing and my mom told her that I graduated and moved down to San Diego.

Before I continue, I'll paint in the background a little: We're Episcopalian, right, so we're basically the most liberal of the Christian denominations. While Cowtown is basically the Texas of California, it is still in California, and Cowtown residents don't have ALL of the crazy old-fashioned hangups that Texans do. I know this because when I met K, a Texan, I was shocked by his childhood experiences, and was pleased that Cowtown was at least less backwards than somewhere else.

Anyway, the woman asked about what I'm up to now and my mom said that I'm planning on working for gay and lesbian rights. The woman says, "Well, of course, I mean, 'they' have rights too..." Then my mom said that I was engaged to be married in a year or so, and the woman quickly cut in--

"Not to a ... woman...?" She laughs nervously.

My mom assured her that no, I was not a lesbian, that my working in the LGBT community was merely something I'd been interested in doing for a long time, and that I was indeed engaged to a very nice young man.

Groan.

a letter to health insurance providers

2007-08-10T01:27:00.000-07:00

Dear health insurance providers,
I just spent my entire night applying for one of your health insurance plans and was denied coverage. I reviewed my application again, to make sure that I didn't accidentally click Yes for malignant tumors, but saw that I indeed filled it out correctly. In fact, the only thing I clicked Yes to was current medications (Paxil...ooo, scary!) and a PREVIOUS medical condition which was TREATED FOUR YEARS AGO and was ANOREXIA, not AIDS. Are you really going to deny me coverage just because I want you to pay $60 per year for my softcore anxiety medication? It's not like I fucking need Xanax or something. Fine, I don't even need you to pay for my prescriptions. The only thing I want you to do is cover my ass in the case of grave medical emergency, for which I am just as much at risk as any other person, regardless of my previous association with eating disorders. Did I mention it was four years ago? Did I mention that, from your perspective, it was totally not a big deal? Maybe if you had a cute little box on your application to indicate that my disorder was completely in remission, then you would know that I'm not as high-risk as you think I am. Because you discriminated against me right off the bat without considering that it was FOUR YEARS AGO and IS OVER WITH, I suggest that you give me the plan I requested, with lower co-pays, free prescriptions, and free ice cream, effective tomorrow. Thanks.

Full of hate,
Siobhan

P.S. My request for ice cream should be ample proof to show you that my previous condition is over with.

my new favorite thing

2007-08-05T16:01:00.000-07:00

...is being sick. I was feeling thicker around the middle during the institute, partially from the thesis, and partially from never having time to make anything healthy during the institute. Then I came back to San Diego and caught Klinton's nasty nasty cold, was sick for four days, and am magically tinier!

i has a sekrit...let me tell you it

1. Catch someone's really bad cold, or even better, the flu.
2. Be alone in your house, so no one can make you food or otherwise take pity on you.
3. Make sure the house didn't already have easy-to-prepare food going into the four days of sickness. It is critical that any food in the house requires at least thirty minutes of preparation.
4. Do not live within a few blocks of grocery stores. Or any other store that has food.
5. (This one is less critical than 1-4) Do not know anyone around where you live, so that you cannot send anyone to go get you something. It is critical that you are helpless during the four days of sickness.

Ta-da!

The terrible cold/flu will sap all of your energy, so you couldn't be bothered to venture outside for food. You'll look longingly at your nonperishable items that require preparation, but you'll be far too tired to even deal with that. You could order Chinese take-out, but that's getting a little ridiculous and you're also broke. (If you weren't broke going into the sickness, make sure that you become so before you begin the diet plan.) This leaves you to scrounge on the few bits of food and drink that are lying about, munching on just enough to stave off your hunger, which won't be very bad, because you're sick as fuck. If you get too hungry, just go to sleep until it goes away. After day 4, look who has a flatter tummy!

AWESOME

sample meal plan:

breakfast: a piece of chocolate (large enough so that the fat content will keep you coasting until dinnertime)

snack: one rice cake

dinner: two sips of a shitty pina colada (throw out the rest because it is shitty)

Consult with your doctor before beginning any diet or exercise plan. Results not typical.

lolpsycholinguistics

2007-08-04T17:44:00.000-07:00

teh mental lexicon

let me show u it

HALP!

2007-08-04T14:35:00.000-07:00

I is addicted to tha intertubes

It is a neverending web of evil

"right now you are down and out and feeling really crappy...

2007-08-02T15:52:00.000-07:00

and when i see how sad you are, it makes me sort of happy!
it's ... schadenfreude
making me feel glad that i'm not you!"

that's from Avenue Q, kids. you should fucking go see it right now.

i think i just wanted to post something to show that i have triumphed over the internet, so much that i'm able to pooooost something on my blooooog. i can't really view pictures, but that's okay. yeah, so i don't know what the fuck is wrong, because i have to keep adding the network to my preferred list of networks and typing in the information over and over again, and then when that didn't work after two days, i accidentally opened my chat client and it logged on?! i screamed for a while, and then thought maybe it was something to do with firefox, so i tried firing up IE and behold, the INTARWEBS! i hope firefox starts working again, because IE makes my blog look really shitaaaay...maybe that's because IE is really shitaaaaay

um

so we're in san diego now...it's really weird. k isn't even here; he went to nashville for a conference so i'm stuck by myself with no license. we went to see avenue q two nights ago and i looked around to check out my new fellow san diegans and i felt out of place. lots of mother-daughter pairs with matching bottle blonde hair, coach purses, and leggings everywhere. i have to admit, i'm kind of a fan of the leggings, but i've never seen them so many wearers of leggings in one room. there are definitely cool things to do in sd, and enough hipster expats from somewhere cooler that huddle together until they can return to the promised land. but i sob, because i never really got to live in san francisco, the most special place. and i don't know when we'll ever get to go back. i suspect that i will be drinking more for the next while. but hey, there's like a zoo here, and now i can go to tijuana whenever the fuck i want....yay....

i was brooding in the other room for a while and realized that between the ages of 16 and 20 i kind of sucked. i was such a square. i think if i met my 19-year-old self i wouldn't have wanted to be her friend. she was pretty lame. i feel like i was actually in utero until age 20. only then did things become interesting.

okay, i can't stand looking at the IE interface anymore. bye for now.

two things

2007-07-23T00:24:00.000-07:00

Two things I learned today:
One - How to make vegetarian pot stickers, which is basically just the same thing as making pyrogies, with more soy sauce and less potatoes and sour cream.

Two - I still really really really wish that Bono would have sex with me. I don't think I deify U2 as much as I did when I was a teenager, because I didn't listen to anything else then, but oh god ... I saw some 80s pictures of Bono today and ohhhh godddd. He is just so amazingly hot in all of his incarnations. I just have this enormous intellectual/musical/physical crush on him that will never go away. Sigh...

Yes, K is aware of this, he has resigned himself to accepting my crush, and he just laughs at me.

i can has weight loss?

2007-07-20T13:52:00.000-07:00

Blegggg...So here is my declaration to the world, so that in admitting it to others I may admit it to myself: I gained weight. I gained some thesis weight, kind of like winter weight, as it was a kind of hibernation for me. I kept thinking that I didn't really, that it was just PMS, it was just hormones, I just ate too much salt last night, I just have a warped perception of what I look like, I'm just bloated from being hot...and then I tried to wear a pair of jeans that has always fit me on the loose side and they barely barely barely fit to the point that I'm not sure that it is socially acceptable to wear them in public.

*side note: I appear to be sitting outside of some kind of workshop where white (very, very white) people are being taught how to rap. I think they are trying to rap about ice cream to the tune of "My Humps." Yes, this is at Stanford. Oh, now they've just come out and they have bird beaks on their heads. This may also be Harry Potter related but I am not sure. No, I'm not hallucinating. I apologize for deviating from my original train of thought, but I felt that real-time narration was the only way to help you experience the shock along with me.*

But yeah, the jeans, they hurt me. I kept trying to sit funny all day so that one could not see my enormous body trying to escape from its constrictor. ENORMOUS. I've always kind of wanted to weigh myself just to check in, since I haven't weighed myself in almost three years, and I want to make sure that I don't weigh a gazillion pounds, but I'm pretty sure I'd kill myself if I saw the number right now. I think I'll wait on that until I have an idea of what it would be.

This is just so frustrating because I now realize what happened, I've learned my lessons, I know that being so busy has forced me to make really terrible food choices for the last few months, but now that I have repented, I'm still paying for it, and will be for several more months. This is the vicious circle that I've dealt with since I was eleven and realized I weighed a little too much: I come to the realization, realize that it will take me several months to get the weight off, which feels like forever, and flail myself on the bed and think, "It'll never come off, so why try..." And a year later, when I'm still in the same boat, I realize that if I'd just picked myself up and stopped whining and actively tried to do something about it, I could have been at my target weight ages ago. But at the time, several months of trying to lose weight sounds like a lifetime. I keep telling myself that if I don't focus on the weight loss itself but focus on being healthier, that it will come off before I know it, and I'll get into a much better pattern of eating and living, but I don't believe myself.

I never developed a healthy way of dealing with my weight. The words of my father sound in my head, the words that I hated hearing but were so true: "You're completely all or nothing. You either have to go at something full tilt, or not at all." And it's true: I either starve myself or exercise like someone's holding a gun to my head (I preferred the starving), or I just sit and cry and never get anywhere. I can't relate to you how many times I created calorie plans in my head which would give me a magic number of how many weeks it would take me to lose the weight, because I needed to circle a day on the calendar to tell me when I could be normal again. I can't tell you how many times I noticed differences in the scales at home and at the doctor's and how crazy I got trying to recalibrate my home scale. I know this isn't easy for anyone, and I know I'm only trying to lose a little bit, where there are millions of Americans needing to lose like seventy-five pounds, which I can't even fathom. I've just dealt with questions of my weight for so long that I feel like a failure every time it comes around again. But I know that weight/eating will always be a problem for me, whether it goes too high or too low.

a meta question: I always feel so melodramatic (can't you tell?) when I think about my weight problems; whenever I'm trying to lose weight it feels like my weight problems are like my personal cross to bear, my silent struggle, the thorn in my side. The constant journey that no one understands. Stupid whore. Go worry about globalization.

Now I'm playing Metallica in my head:

this thorn in my side
this thorn in my side is from the tree
this thorn in my side is from the tree i planted
oh it tears me and i bleed
and i bleed

Okay, you know it's time for some anti-d's when I start quoting Metallica. I'm not really that despondent about it; I just lose all hope when I finally realize that I'm back in that place again, that I'm back in that same spot I was when I was thirteen, and I haven't learned a better way to deal with it since then.

On a lighter note...

The rappers are back. Now the white rappers are singing about sunlight? Still to the tune of "My Humps"? Is this a high school chemistry summer class about chemistry or something - and they needed a song to learn about photosynthesis? What the hell is going on??? I just heard "Ima block block block the light, block the light out of the sky." !!!! At least they're not trying to Christianize "My Humps" ... "Ima save save save your soul, save your soul from your evil self" I kinda like it; I think I'll pitch it to some CCM musicians. It would be all the rage at the crazy Christian camp!

Back to work.

another time, another place

2007-07-03T14:49:00.000-07:00

Hello! I suppose the last time I checked in, I was still in the final throes of the thesis vomit, and now I find myself:

graduated from Berkeley
living out of a suitcase
taking summer classes at Stanfurd (?) boo...

The summer has treated me well so far, though it's been full of moving. I had to:

move out of my Berkeley apartment (tears stream from my face as I write that)
go back to my parents' and help them with their even more monstrous move (still in progress)
go down to SD to help K move (the most hellish experience of my life for which I am still giving him a lot of shit)
move K and myself up to Stanfurd (boo)
and after the Institute we'll move back to SD into our friend's house because we don't have an apartment yet
and then move into our own apartment.

After this summer, I demand to remain in the same apartment for at least four years. I have had way too much moving in my life, especially in the last five years, and I cannot deal with the fact that my parents and I are moving at the same time. Since I like bulleted lists so much, let's figure out how many times I've moved in my life:

Santa Clara, 1984-1993
Phoenix, 1993-1996
Oakdale, 1996-2002
Berkeley, 2002-2007 :(

dormitory
the Piedmont apartment, when it was happy
the other room in the Piedmont apartment, when it was not happy
the Haste shithole
my lovely Elmwood house

And I have two more in the near future...HALP PLZ

At least I have a somewhat more permanent residence at Stanfurd. Stephanie has kindly put me and K up for the month in her adorable townhouse of beauty that I cannot describe. It has such lovely countertops, and a dishwasher...oh how I long for dishwashers. I am glad to be with friends, but I feel quite uncomfortable at Stanfurd...I know a lot of my unease is due to the Berkeley-Stanfurd rivalry, which is silly, but probably explains my initial distaste. But I feel really uncomfortable at this immense private school. It's unnecessarily large, overly manicured, and makes me put up my guard to avoid dealing with pretentiousness. I feel like I'm in a foreign land with an impossible currency system and that I don't even know which language I am to speak. Or like I'm in the Haas Pavilion, which is kind of like a foreign land, because it looks like it is separate from the rest of campus in every respect. I miss how Berkeley was easier to get around, and most of the stuff you needed was centrally located. I feel like this campus is purposefully misleading. Maybe I just feel this way any time I'm in the South Bay, because you're in the Bay Area, but you're kind of not, because you can't take BART and it's hotter than everywhere else. In any case, it's good to be back in the Bay regardless, and we're hoping to make at least one venture into the city to say goodbye to our favorite restaurants, but I still feel really weird and disoriented.

I have noticed a few curiosities about Stanfurd that I thought I might note:

There are a larger number of very thin white girls than at Berkeley. At Berkeley I could tell myself to relax because all the really thin girls were Asian, and that I had no chance of competing with them. Damn Asians and their fabulous bone structure. (I'll let you win now, but when we're all 65 and y'all start getting osteoporosis, my big bones and I are going to be doing jumping jacks all over the place, and you'll wish you were me.) But now, they're white, and I think, Shit! I have the possibility of looking like them, because I'm white too! But I don't! Are these women just fabulous foreign students at the Institute, or are they just rich anorexics that actually go to Stanfurd? Who are they? Where did they come from? I must find out...
The buildings have the worst identification system ever devised. Some buildings just have names, some just have numbers, and some have names and numbers, and you just have to know that Building 100,987,445 is also called, I don't know, Monotreme. !!! Then the numbered buildings have numbered rooms, so a room is identified like so: 205-110 (building number-room number). Usually the first digit of the room number tells you which floor the room is on, unless you're in this one building, and then something else happens, and then the crow cries thrice, and you have to bring a newt, a screwdriver, and some ketchup, and then MAYBE they'll tell you where the goddamn room is.
There are these mysterious mansions on campus, whose purpose is yet unknown to me. Some of them appear to be frat houses, some of them appear to be just nice campus office buildings, but the rest of them I am not sure. They better not be professors' homes.
If you want to eat in the dining commons but do not have a meal plan, you have to pay $16 (for dinner). !!!

All in all, this fancy private school annoys me, and I just want my scuzzy Dwinelle back. I felt like a really cool old janitor that knew where everything was, knew every nook and cranny of the building. I wanted to stay there so long that I would eventually become part of the building, kind of like The Brain. They could erect a statue of me that housed my ashes, and there could be a plaque that read, "Here lies Siobhan, who so loved this building." I keep telling myself that there will be many other fun things to explore outside of Berkeley, and if I stay there I'll just be that lame person that stuck around Berkeley, like the HappyHappyHappy dude, but it is my home.

I think I'm kind of creepy, but that's okay.

For my next post: am I as annoying as this one person that annoys the hell out of me? I thought about it, and realized that I do a lot of the things that annoy me about this person, and others like this person. Are the things that I do somehow different than their things, or should I really evaluate how I present myself? A potential identity crisis! Stay tuned for this and more stream-of-consciousness nonsense.

i ... am ... FINISHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-05-07T13:25:00.000-07:00

I just finished the thesis monster!!! (I think!) I just sent it to my advisor and my reader ten minutes ago! It was really shitty! But it's done! And sort of on time! That's saying a lot for me! My advisor said the writing that I thought was super bullshitty and last-minute was "mature" and "authoritative" ... so maybe my "shitty" writing at least became "satisfactory" and "logical". Oh Jesus...............the colors outside my window are so much brighter now, my shoulders feel so light...

And...

I can talk to y'all now!

FUCK!

2007-05-03T20:04:00.000-07:00

fuckity fuckity fuckity fuckity fuckity fucking fucking fuck fuckin shit fucking hell damn motherfucker damn hell shit asshole fuck!

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My thesis is due by the end of the night
My main advisor is worried
My second reader is angry at me
They've threatened to not give me honors
My thesis is due by the end of the night

Hell shit fuck!!!!!!!

slow jamz

2007-04-27T03:42:00.000-07:00

My life kinda sucks right now.

If my downstairs roommates don't change the slow jamz wussy shit cd that they've been playing on constant rotation for the last month, I'm going to do something to them that severely decreases their sexual function. And I'm going to steal their pet. She probably doesn't like slow jamz either.

the newest best thing that you've ever seen in your life

2007-04-05T00:56:00.000-07:00

We all love Alanis Morissette, we would have loved her anyway if she hadn't produced the following internet gem...Who wasn't listening to Jagged Little Pill over and over and over and over again in 1995? She gave me the anthems to my life. But, when you see the following video, you will have so much more respect for her than you ever did:

click here for the Video of Glory and Amazingness

I love you so much, Alanis! As soon as I figure out how to send you fanmail, you're going to get a big thank you card from me. (Maybe next can you tackle the Pussycat Dolls?)

Many thanks to K, who found this rare internet gem and shared it with me.

see you in May!

2007-03-13T19:51:00.000-07:00

Dear friends:

This is to inform you that I'm officially going into hiding from society until graduation, 12 May 2007. If you don't hear from me until then, I'm very sorry, and please know that I love you all and that it is all to blame on the thesis, or rather, the lack thereof. I wish glad tidings on you all until I reach that blessed light at the end of this dark, dark tunnel. Please pray to Thomas Aquinas for me, whom I just learned is the patron saint of scholars and academics, as well as lightning and against lightning, as it were.

Until we meet again...

can California please secede from the Union now?

2007-03-05T13:58:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe that in the world we live in, these kinds of comments can be made at a political conference:

http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/03/04/coulter.edwards/index.html

After all the time we spent fighting for women's rights and race equality, it sickens me to know that the exact same bigots that we fought against then are still alive and well. I used to thank God that I lived in a world where I was able to educate myself and make my own choices, and looked positively on how much progress society had made as shown through the present treatment of women. Now I fear that I have lost my former optimism, and I'm losing hope that things will eventually change, not just for the LGBT community, but for everyone. Even if we succeed in changing minds and hearts about gender and sexuality, people like this will always find a new minority to torture. I hope shame will eventually catch up to her.

naughty, naughty!

2007-02-12T15:01:00.000-08:00

Hello. Before I hint at my scandalous story, I will apologize (isn't it poor form to begin a talk/oration/address with an apology?) for not writing about the engagement yet. I will post all the details of that soon; I just wanted to reserve some time so I could do it justice ("Um yeah, like K asked me if I wanted to marry him, and I was all, yeah.") and include pictures and make sure I remembered all the little cute things. So that will come soon. Until then, perhaps you can answer me this:

Why is it that my breasts/ass always get groped at BLS dinner receptions? I'm not upset, I'm just puzzled. If it happens next year, then I think we've got ourselves a correlation, my friends.

fucking awesome

2006-12-14T02:13:00.000-08:00

The best thing that will ever happen to you is stored...

HERE

You will never be the same again. Don't ask questions; just absorb.

today is not a good day

2006-12-13T13:38:00.000-08:00

Today I was supposed to be at the doctor's office by 9:30 for an appointment...and only woke up at 11:45...

Then I received an email from my major advisor about a conference, which I attempted to forward to K to ask his opinion, and of course signing it with a pet name which is far too sugary for me to tell you, and instead hit the reply button...so I just sent my major advisor a letter signed with a pet name. She replied with an email that was basically like "ummmm...."

I think I'm going to go back to bed and try to erase Wednesday from the record. Just shoot me now. Please.

allow me a minute on my soapbox

2006-12-12T13:54:00.000-08:00

I was incredibly glad to see this article:

Gay and Evangelical, Seeking Paths of Acceptance

First off, Episcopalians 'R' Awesome :) And secondly, I really commend the individuals in the article that didn't give up and didn't allow others' perception of them to call their faith into question. It makes me really happy that there are some people out there providing support to those facing discrimination from other Christians for their orientation. It must take extreme strength of faith and character to stand up to that kind of stone-throwing, and I really admire that.
It makes no sense to me that there are people that ascribe to a doctrine that preaches love and acceptance of even the "lowliest of the low" and yet can turn around and denounce someone else's behavior. Being up in arms about the seven ambiguous passages in the Bible regarding homosexuality and preaching discrimination because of it seems to go against so many other passages. There are those who believe it is a sin but still do not practice discrimination, and want to "help" homosexuals and fully believe that they are truly helping. This is different. I'm talking about the congregation mentioned in the article that told the gay couple that they were no longer welcome inside. I suppose by commenting on this, I'm judging as well, but it just seems like a contradiction to me; I'm sure they think what they are doing is right and if that's true, their actions are inexcusable, but they themselves are simply ignorant. In sum, I'm very happy to see these changes being made, and hope that this is the beginning of better times to come.

some notes to self

2006-11-30T21:04:00.000-08:00

Dear self,

1. Stop looking at wedding websites. You haven't really learned anything new from them in years (though the idea to float rose petals in bowls of water instead of paying for huge rose centerpieces was pretty sweet), and you won't be able to afford anything that they suggest anyway.
2. Though chocolate to you FEELS like a cure for general menstrual malaise, it's really nature's way of screwing you over. I really don't appreciate how nature has set up the menstrual cycle. I read in Cosmo once that you happen to be the most libidimous (I just made that up) when you are the most likely to get pregnant. Now that's just mean. At this same point in time, t1, one must face a terrible increase in moodiness and chocolate cravings, which feed each other, probably to add extra padding to help out the baby you will inevitably produce because your frenetic libidimous self couldn't help it after you watched that CVS pharmacy commercial that made you bawl. All great things for evolution's sake, but what if you're me and you just want to get through the week without crying at every country song on the radio (yes, I did) or eating an entire chocolate cake in one sitting (no, I haven't...yet)?
3. Next time I watch Brokeback Mountain I need to make sure to check my calendar first.

Yes, I speak freely about my period, because it is such an annoying part of my life that if I have to deal with it for the next thirty years, I feel like I have the right to complain about it. What, male reader, did I gross you out? Oh yeah??

TAMPONS!!!

Ha.

martha stewart and bree are my role models

2006-11-12T22:38:00.000-08:00

Holy crap you guys: my room is so clean right now. I put my foot down and attacked the huge pile of laundry in my room and did ALL OF IT IN ONE GO and then I put ALL OF IT AWAY (which took most of one night). I even put away a pile of clean laundry that had been sitting in my room since the summer. It was tough, and I realized that I either have too many clothes or not enough storage space. Then, I decided to clear off the floor and vacuum it! I love to vacuum so much; the sound of weirdly-sized particles whirring up into the vacuum chamber gives me great amounts of pleasure, and the sight of vaccum lines on a freshly-vacuumed rug brings me such joy. I have a beautiful old Oriental rug in my room from my parents that we used to have in our old house, and I love having it, and I was so happy to make it smooth and pretty again.

I had dinner with Margaret, Alan, Alex, Prathna, and Claire on Friday and among other REALLY ODD CONVERSATION TOPICS we brought up Bree from Desperate Housewives for some reason, and I proclaimed my great love for her. Everyone gasped: "Why? She drives all her men away! She's completely nuts! Her children hate her!" But I love her still: she has the most gorgeous hair known to man, and you cannot find another person on the planet so put-together. She may be a crazy bitch, but at least her bathroom sinks don't have that yellow gunky stuff around where the faucet connects to the sink basin. No one likes that. That bitch is awesome.

eeeeeee

2006-11-10T14:48:00.000-08:00

People in the department here do this thing whenever they enter either the department lounge or the phonology lab: an "are you cool?" scan. They look around the room incredibly rapidly to see if there's anyone there worth talking to, but if there isn't, they looked so quickly that there wasn't enough time to make eye contact, which would lead to awkward conversation. I do this sometimes, but I'm not fast enough, so sometimes I end up having these awkward moments.

Went into the phonology lab to return the lab key and wondered if I was the only one in there or if there was something going on in there that I was disturbing. I scanned the room and at first didn't see anyone, but then at my side I saw a person. My glasses blocked most of their face, so I thought it was another lab student, and I said, "Oh, hi..." and it ended up being a certain retired phonetician of great honor and fame. He doesn't know who the hell I am, so he had this blank look on his face of "I don't know who the hell you are" when he returned my hi.

You don't just go up to retired phoneticians of great honor and fame and say hi, like they're just any normal person!!! Especially if you've never taken a class from them!!! If the retired phonetician of great honor and fame decides to talk to you, you should count your blessings and pray that you don't say anything dumb, but you don't go and start talking to him!!!

Idiot... [Napoleon Dynamite voice]

fish-hugger

2006-11-03T15:33:00.000-08:00

Only 50 years left for sea fish

Earth's species feel the squeeze

I knew it was bad, but I had no idea it was this bad. I really didn't. And that's the problem : I'm a young news-reading individual that goes to fucking Berkeley and who is concerned about environmental issues and I had no idea that the threat of extinction had gotten to this point. There are hundreds of thousands of people out there who won't learn about this until the situation becomes more dire. Not enough noise is made about this problem to make the general public change its ways. It astounds me that the simple recycling I do in Berkeley is not done in most other places (at home I have yet to see a public recycling receptacle along with the trash cans). Show these articles to everyone you can!!!

[cue NBC's "The More You Know" PSA music, along with a shooting star]

E-Prime, you are a nincompoop

2006-11-02T10:25:00.000-08:00

Can anything else go wrong with my experiment before I even run fucking subjects???? ANYTHING? Come on, let me have it! Give me the same error message every damn time so I can't figure out what is wrong with you, you ... you ... slime! GAAAAAAAAAAAA! I am destined to another midnight session in the lab, frantically clicking buttons, and chillin' with the brain. Open my damn files!!!

However, this is awesome : http://blog.wired.com/cultofmac/2006/11/skymall_carryin.html

I can think of several males I know that would be proud to own this product.

Why can't I be interested in minimalism or something else that doesn't require a computer?

musical cornucopia

2006-10-31T12:55:00.000-08:00

So I've been in a kind of folky-alt country-old country-melancholy music phase for the last couple of months, and have been playing Ryan Adams and the Brokeback Mountain soundtrack constantly (probably to the chagrin of my hip-hop-listening roommate). But I'm always on the lookout for new additions to my collection, and I totally just hit the jackpot. I've been listening to the IndieFeed Indie Pop podcasts for the last few days, and the selections are so fantastic. It's an amazing blend of straight indie pop with some twangy folk, and there was even a Patsy Cline song in there too. <3 I love her. I even found a song from a kid from my cowtown that may or may not be related to one of my good friends?! The other IndieFeed stations are really great too, but this one is totally rocking my socks right now. I've loved almost everything I've listened to.

I don't know why I'm telling this to any of you, because I don't think anyone that reads this likes the same music as me, but if you're looking for some new music to listen to, I highly recommend the IndieFeed podcasts.

this made me feel very pretty

2006-10-10T12:35:00.000-07:00

A friend of my friend Steve posted one of these on his myspace profile and it was fucking hilarious. So I wanted to give it a try. He got some really strange results, but mine just made me feel very pretty :) All of my results were such beautiful women that I have always admired and was shocked that my crazy assymetrical face had anything in common with theirs...unless MyHeritage was just trying to get me to buy their software..................naaaaaah. Anyway, check this out:

A few things were very surprising to me:

1) Everyone says that my mom looks like Lynda Carter, especially her eyes. I don't really bear any obvious similarities with my parents, and if I do, it's more my dad, so that was interesting.

2) The fact that Grace Kelly shows up is probably the best compliment I will ever receive in my life

3) Fiona Xie: ???

My friend Steve had an interesting mixed bag: Ashton Kutcher (+), Richard Gere (+), Patrick Swayze (-), Dustin Diamond (aka Screech) (-), Katie Holmes (?), and Virginia Woolf (???).

on becoming an alcoholic

2006-10-05T20:26:00.000-07:00

Thought 1: Goddamn, I really want to get drunk right now. RIGHT NOW. I just want the world to go away.

Thought 2: I haven't taken the Paxil in...5 days.

Maybe #2 will take care of #1...?

nothingness

2006-10-01T02:45:00.000-07:00

I did absolutely nothing today...and it was the best day I've had in ages! I don't feel guilty at all. It was a beautiful, wonderful day.

hey baby come on back to my place, cont'd.

2006-09-21T15:42:00.000-07:00

Alright, the Sex. (New name for loud, sex-having roommate.) If I must endure hours and hours of your love-making, may I at least make some requests for some songs to be used as your cover-up music? Or at least vote against what you are using? While I, like many, find the Black Eyed Peas absolutely infectious, I can only take their fabulousness in small doses. Like once every three months. How about some nice Carla Bruni (I think you'll find her low, breathy, nearly raspy voice very sexy) or Belle and Sebastian? I'd even suggest some flamenco. But please, oh please, stay away from "Slow Jams" or "Body & Soul" or whatever that shit is that they advertise on TV late at night.

gaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh........

alarm clooooock!

2006-09-20T11:43:00.000-07:00

Alright, alarm clock: being that your only function in my life is to wake me up on time (I have several other time-tellers to simply tell me the time, because your numbers aren't bright enough anymore), when you fail to wake me up I think that you are a worthless piece of shit! I've only had you since I came to Cal! Alarm clocks live a long time! What is wrong with you?????? I only ask you to do one thing, and you can't even do that??!?!?!?!

Yet, we all know that because I am cheap, I will continue to use the same piece of shit alarm clock for the remainder of my time here.

i'm a talker

2006-09-19T00:43:00.000-07:00

I tend to talk at people. I rambled at a lot of people today. I apologize for my lack of verbal skills today (see below). If I start talking at you for an unnecessarily long period of time, you can sneak away. I promise. Thank you to everyone who was so nice to me today. :)

the sadness that is my life

2006-09-18T11:43:00.000-07:00

Klinton left this morning for San Diego. I'm in this weird state of denial but mixed with the fact that I now know how to deal with him being gone (sort of) because I did it last year, so it's kind of like falling into an old routine ... but I know that it's also that I'm still thinking he'll come home tonight after work. And he won't. I watched his car drive away for a long time, long after I couldn't see it, praying that it would come back and that he would console me for another hour, at least. I'm not at all mentally prepared for this. I know that it's only a short time now, and that as soon as I graduate this can all be over, but I don't know how to get through the first week of sleeping alone. The only thing that helps is this shirt I stole from him a while ago ... he had this huge shirt that I liked to wear around the house when he was still in Berkeley, and I asked him if I could have it before he first left for San Diego a year ago. It's about the only vestige of him that remains. That, and the empty tortilla chip bag in my trash can. :)

The thing that I hate about it the most is how the distance changes the way you relate to your person. It's sort of good because it forces you to not take them for granted, because you only get a few days with them, but when you do see them, nothing is normal because you're trying to frantically enjoy them as much as you possibly can. I thought the summer wasn't going to be like that, because we had three months together, but it was really like an extended version of a weekend visit, of me constantly dreading the day he would leave. That sense of urgency alters the dynamic a lot, and it isn't a bad thing; I'm just angry at the world for trying to fuck up the best thing that ever happened to me.

{rant} The other issue that brings me great frustration this morning is that (with one exception) no restaurant understands the concept of THE BIG SALAD. (Andréa, you will appreciate this very much. Unless I'm not remembering my Seinfeld correctly.) Intermezzo is my dream restaurant because they are the only place I've encountered that does this, and does it well. I like salad a lot. I like to eat salad every day. I like to eat salad as a meal. Now there are some restaurants that don't even try, and that's okay; they have a puny little garden salad in a styrofoam bowl with a single cherry tomato on top which is a good snack for a HAMSTER, but not worth ordering if you are a human, as I am. This is okay; I simply do not visit these types of restaurants. Of greater concern to me are the cafés like Espresso Roma that make a pretty nice café salad which is juuuuust not enough for a meal. (Note: If you have eaten with me, and if it wasn't a meal of cheesy sticks or taqueria food with Klinton, you know I don't eat a lot. So the salad has to be pretty damn small.) If you're going to make a salad that costs $7, and if it's going to be bigger than the stupid hamster side salad, why can't you make it big enough to satiate me until my next meal??? Like, you can get by on it if you eat it at like 3pm, and you're hungover, and you know you're going to eat in two hours. But you have to get other food if you're eating it as a normal meal. This drives me up walls. It pretends to be a meal, but it is not. Maybe for a really hefty hamster. But not for a sturdy girl like myself. (I hate that word: my therapist said that I had a "sturdy" frame [trying to tell me to stop comparing myself to 16 year-old Asian girls]. See also: Margaret Cho's bit on the words "hefty" and "zoftig".) {/rant}

hey baby come on back to my place

2006-08-26T19:24:00.000-07:00

I've been in several situations where I wondered if people I lived with were having sex, I've even wondered if my roommate was having sex while I was sleeping in the same room, and walked in on them too, but never before in my life have I had to deal with an all-day shriek-fest. Actually, it's been going on for a couple of days, sometimes with cover-up music, sometimes without. OH MY GOD. I think they have some awareness that I exist, because after an especially loud shriek, I hear a "shhhh!" but the warning is pretty ineffectual. Like you have your normal sexy noises, and then you have these nonhuman high-pitched bird-call shrieks that pierce your eardrum. All. Day. Long. God, please please please make it stop. Or at least make them shriek into their pillow.

2006-08-24T10:08:00.000-07:00

The first day of school is looming upon me and oh god am i scared...because I don't even have my classes figured out yet!!! They JUST cancelled a course that I really wanted to take in the department with my favorite professor, so I thought I might try to take a different graduate course which still looked very interesting to me, and now I'm going to have to convince that professor that I'm ready for that challenge and that I'm serious about my education...and I still have to convince my project supervisor professor to be my thesis advisor...both are very difficult endeavors, and I doubt they will BOTH fall into place...

I'm just incredibly upset because I'm trying so hard to carve out the education that I want, and I know I'm not going about it the same way as the other undergraduates, but it's what I have to do to get what I want out of my experience here. I have always wanted to take graduate courses in the department so that I could get more than what I got out of just the core requirements; they just left me thirsty for more. I just want this chance so badly so that I might be able to prove to myself that I can be successful again.

everyone must know about this

2006-08-21T09:48:00.000-07:00

It is not important that I stumbled upon this site during my daily visit to cuteoverload.com . It is simply important that I found it. I try to stay abreast of current events as best I can, without sending myself into a depression spiral, but I didn't even know that this still occurred. I always thought that the seal hunt was stopped in the 50s or something. The fact that it is still done today with such flagrant disregard for current animal welfare regulations absolutely disgusts me. It is such a backward practice, something that I would not expect in this day and age.

I hesitate a little bit to complain about such things to people other than my vegetarian boyfriend, because I don't want to be seen as that sort of vegetarian that acts as if she is on a holy crusade. I would never try to push my views on anyone, because it is a personal choice that I made, and there are certainly still kinks that need to be smoothed out in my vegetarian plan. (I sometimes wonder if I am being hypocritical by being only concerned with animal cruelty in slaughterhouses and not dairy farms...but I didn't think I could make the jump all the way from carnivore to vegan in one step.) I also don't want to be the type that goes "Oh look my friend told me that her friend told her that his mom told him that her hairdresser told her that x phenomenon happens, therefore it must be true." I fully intend to research this issue more. It just seemed like some fairly reliable information to start with. BUT I would think this issue would anger both the vegan and the carnivore alike, for a number of reasons.

It would be one thing if hunting seals were absolutely necessary for the survival of a certain population, or even if seals were a huge part of the culture of the population. But it does not appear to me that this is an integral part of the culture or economy of any of the developed nations involved.
All humans, in my opinion, must be respectful of animals, whether one uses them as food or not. I have plenty of acquaintances that eat meat that are clearly thankful for the lives of the animals that they use for sustenance, and are concerned when meat is flippantly wasted, out of respect for the animal. Thus it is not simply the fact that the seals are killed that bothers me, but that so little of the animal is actually used/consumed.
With the modern technology that we have, it seems like the hunting practices are almost intentionally cruel. The site says that an estimate was put forth that about forty percent of the seals picked up were skinned while still conscious. It also describes the hunting methods, and while shooting is popular, many are still killed with an ice pick-like club. It astounds me that any human could beat another animal to death with such an instrument when we know how complicated their brains are, when we know that they can feel pain just as we can, and when we know much faster and more humane methods for putting them out.

These are just my personal reactions to reading about these practices; I am sure that there are many that would disagree with me, and that there are probably some valid counterpoints that I have not considered. I don't wish to offend anyone that reads this; I was just so shocked and appalled at what I saw that I felt the need to complain in hopes that I might spread this news to other interested parties that were previously unaware. It just saddens me so much that these beautiful animals are cruelly harvested simply for their skin, oil, and penises (?!?!), and I just wanted to share.

AMAZING realization !!!

2006-08-17T21:51:00.000-07:00

Here, a sample of the AMAZING thoughts that go through my head:

"Damn it...I have to do laundry. ...washing machines...they take the place of washboards and gruelling labor...I'll bet people in the old days didn't wash their clothes after one use...wow...people must have smelled verrrry bad then."

Aren't you glad that you know me???

my friend, my companion, my other lover

2006-08-16T20:52:00.000-07:00

Why, oh why, did I not bring a stash of Diet Coke to Klinton's apartment tonight? I can't do anything without her! Better yet, why doesn't he keep a stash for me?????? What will I do??????????????

how not to be a douchebag

2006-08-03T15:28:00.000-07:00

Lesson #1: Do not continue a phone conversation into a public bathroom. Your phone conversation with Brett Bretterson is not so important that you must conduct it while urinating.

catywompus

2006-07-26T11:27:00.000-07:00

I just wish to express that my Outlook list of tasks has grown far too long. I thought the point of having Outlook task lists was so that you could spill out all of the tasks you have floating about in your head onto the screen, and then you could stop thinking about them constantly. I still think about every single one of them, and they give rise to more tasks, and I'm giving up now.

I hereby declare that I am from now on only completing five (5) phone calls/tasks per day. Any sixth item* will have to be pushed to the next day.

*The sole exceptions to this rule include the following: situations involving blood, gangrene, the supernatural, and my mom.

crazy liberal grandmas

2006-07-13T13:35:00.001-07:00

In my job I get to listen to recorded conversations that subjects have with their interviewers. You'd think that these 30-minute conversations would tend to be pretty similar from subject to subject, "where are you from" and "how many siblings do you have" and "do you like dogs" sort of conversations. I have no idea where they got the subjects that they got, because it's like hiding in the confessional booth where neither the priest nor the confessant is aware of your presence, and you can hear every sordid detail of their lives. These people tell you about everything they ever did, everyone they dated, all about why they think homosexuality is a sin...(!?!?!)

My favorite speaker though, is one that has a rather old-sounding voice, and has some kind of Midwestern accent that marks her as older (she has voiceless w in "what" and "which", etc). Because she sounds older, and because she spends one entire file complaining about how kids these days are exposed to way too much violence on TV and in movies, and "when I was a child, we didn't have a TV", I pictured her as this kind of inoffensive, old church lady whose biggest excitement in life was to switch brands of crackers. Then I listened to another one of her files that I hadn't listened to before, and the conversation had become more political...and then she's talking about how an ideal world would include true communism, how she lived in a kind of commune, how she thinks eating meat is wrong...I have no idea where the hell this lady is coming from. All I can say is that the 60s must have been very strange.

2006-07-11T01:53:00.000-07:00

The world continually amazes me, every day. There are just so many people, so many lives, so many thoughts, so much energy. It amazes me that I will only become acquainted with a tiny fraction of the people that walk this earth with me. That there are lives that I will eventually touch that are waiting to be affected, and so many more that I will never know.w It amazes me that in some way, we are all connected in an intricate web. I wonder how many pictures people have taken of themselves where I appear in the background; I am just as much the nameless, random face in the crowd as the same passers-by in my pictures. It amazes me how insignificant I am.

some doubts about Cal admission standards

2006-07-10T18:59:00.000-07:00

While in the women's restroom, I overheard the following exchange between two girls that I believed to be visiting Cal for their Calso:

"I love how the soap in this bathroom is, like, foam."

"I know, I love foam."

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

2006-07-05T13:52:00.000-07:00

a quote that keeps me going through the day:

"Did you have anything in common with your character in the film?"
"Soy un robot carnívoro psicopático."

blogging from texas

2006-06-27T19:53:00.000-07:00

Hi y'all: I'm blogging from Texas. Before I post some pictures I thought I'd tell you a little bit about my trip...

It seems like people are nicer here than back home, on the whole. Or at least in certain situations. I met all of Klinton's grandparents, all three sets of them, and they were INCREDIBLY sweet to me. Usually those exchanges I've found are so awkward and the family is usually on the fence about how to act because they don't know how long you're going to be around. But all of Klinton's family was very warm and welcoming to me from the start, "welcome to the family!" But even non-family people are so kind in regular exchanges, always saying "thank you, ma'am" and "y'all have a nice day." It seems like this happens every time. I don't feel like this happens as much back home. I just love seeing people that are generally happy, and actually want to be nice to other people, just for the sake of being nice and polite.
Food portions are not generally bigger, which was the opposite of what I imagined, but you do get a ton more salsa at the table here than at home. A ton. They'll just bring you salsa and chips and tortillas until you burst. Which brings me to another thing: they bring you tortillas and butter at Mexican restaurants here. You roll them kind of like a cigarette, and then dip them in butter (or salsa) and eat them. It's so interesting--I've never seen that done at Mexican restaurants at home. I wonder why this process is completely different here than at home.
I actually went to a yoga class with Klinton's mother, which was preceded by a Pilates class. I was a little scared, because Pilates has always been difficult for me, and I've never actually taken a real class before, but I did okay. And it was so much fun. It was a different method than the class that I just finished at home so I learned a lot of new little tricks. AND I got complimented on one of my poses. If you will remember my post complaining about the crow pose (the pose that kills your wrists), it's pretty difficult, but I've been working on it all semester and I'm getting okay at it. But I just tried my best in the class and just tried to focus on what I was doing, and suddenly I found that everyone was looking at me doing the pose, and the teacher said, "That's just beautiful. Look at her arms...they're so straight. You've learned this before, haven't you?" :D At least all of my pain paid off in the end. Yessssssssss!

We're here for another week still. Klinton's family is being so so nice to me; I'm just having a wonderful, relaxing time. And getting smothered with puppy kisses.

just letting y'all know...

2006-06-21T18:50:00.000-07:00

...that i'm moving to Alaska where it is COLD and where i will not be BOILED ALIVE. i can actually feel my flesh cooking against my bones. i should go offer myself to some cannibals, because i'm pretty sure i'm about done roasting, maybe another couple minutes on each side.

this is not a real update

2006-06-14T16:52:00.000-07:00

BUT I had to complain about the following. I was in the lab until 1 freaking 30 last night, I went to bed at 4:45, I've been pushing myself to do this work far beyond the point which my body and mind are able, and here I find myself again in the lab when..............some idiots occupying 145 Dwinelle are blasting marching songs with the door open, and I sadly find myself across the hall from them. Now I enjoy a good march now and again; it really stirs the spirit at football games and the like. But I find this extremely unacceptable in A PLACE OF WORK unless the producers of this row are 1) soldiers or 2) a displaced contingent of the Cal band. The little CalSO babies can hear our damn fight song at a damn football game.

anti-d's worked for me!

2006-05-03T01:57:00.000-07:00

I've said it once, I'll say it again: anti-depressants are fucking awesome, man! I don't know how magical paroxetine works, but I know it's working great. I'm not stressed about finals at all! This is amazing! I'll get more freaked out once I get closer to the actual tests, but I used to start getting really anxious when I returned from spring break every year, and by this time of the year I was a maniac. I'm as peaceful as a cat sitting in the sun coming through the window. Tell your friends, anti-d's make college fun!!

attention graduate school recruiters

2006-04-30T20:13:00.000-07:00

I just did a reconstruction problem in record time!!! It was sooo easy! Has sitting through those arduous weeks of fascinating sound changes and nit-picky details in random languages in class finally paid off? Better yet, the Armenian word was the easiest one! Armenian is crazy! I can reconstruct anything now! Submit a word to me--I will reconstruct it to Proto-Indo-European to the best of my abilities!

We're sorry, reconstructions to Proto-World cannot be done at this time.

rock gods

2006-04-28T17:34:00.000-07:00

I realized that I really do revere U2 a little too much, too much like a deity. I was trying to figure out what to listen to on my iPod while I worked in the library and thought, "Ooh, Mates of State" but then I thought, "You should really listen to U2. They are your U2." But then I had a counterthought: "It's okay to listen to other bands. After all, U2 themselves would want you to. They would want you to expand your horizons to have other experiences with which to better experience their music." And then I laughed at myself, because they probably don't give a shit...but I want to think they do. They love their fans. And if they love their fans, then they must REALLY love me. *looks googly-eyed into the distance* *sigh*

i am not alive

2006-04-24T08:48:00.001-07:00

For those of you who have real jobs or simply like getting up at the crack of dawn (I almost typed crack of damn...awesome), do not read this post. Really.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, 7AM IS WAYYYY TOO EARLY! HOLY FUCKING SHIT DAMN FUCK! AAAAAAAAAAAA!

I had to BE ON CAMPUS at 7:55 in the freaking morning to help my roommate with a human fitness assessment class project thingy, and I was like, Sure! I was going to get up at 9:30 anyway! Yay!!! But then last night, I so intelligently decided to stay up until 4:30 to work on my 131 homework, and thought, 2 hours of sleep is good. I reset my alarms a total of 5 times because I could not believe how exhausted I was when I got up, and my housemates (luckily, not my roommate) got to hear "Vertigo" blasting from my cell phone 5 times...I should really buy them a cake or something. I hope they don't hate me. After I left the assessment, I called Klinton to whine at him and just made a lot of donkey-like whining noises at the prospect of staying on campus all day, then came here to the library. And there are actually people in here! What is everyone doing up this early? No one should be alive right now. My hours are 11:00 am - 3:00 am. I perceive this to be normal, and everyone else should too. Nothing good happens that early anyway. No one cares about sunrises or morning dew. I don't want to be up until all the fog is burned off. Why is the world functioning right now?? This is so horrible! This is going to be the worst day of my life! I want to go back to sleep...............

Random poll

2006-04-24T03:43:00.000-07:00

Here is a random poll to anyone who's reading (for Alan, I will include lots of question marks). I have actually wondered recently how many of my friends have done or pondered or experienced the following:

Did any of you read the Sweet Valley High series when you were 10? (Response probably limited to females.)
What was your favorite period of your life?
What was the most surreal experience you have ever had with a stranger?
What was your favorite item when you were a child?
Did any of you have a random music phase when you were 13? I went through a rap phase when I was 11 (I was all about Bone Thugs 'n' Harmony) and a Metallica phase at 13. Now I have a pretty mellow mix of indie rock and 80s music. I wondered if anyone else had such an extreme change.
????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I didn't have a sixth question, so I thought I'd just throw in some punctuation marks to complete the rainbow.

Damn, that didn't waste nearly enough time. What else is there to do? I really don't want to do my 131 assignment. Um, maybe I'll make a quiz on quizilla...about what though? I know:

"What Inuyasha character are you????? PICS!!!!"

important questions, v.2

2006-04-13T00:49:00.000-07:00

Will I live until Friday???
Will my Diet Dr. Pepper store last until Friday???
Will I pass Professor Holland's midterm???
Will all my professors beat me with sticks and flagellate me?
Will I ever be in the same zip code as my boyfriend???
Will U2 one day decide to...quit??????!!?!?

Gaaaaaaaaaaaa!

In somewhat related news, I am in love with Laurel. Let it be known. She saved my Ling 131-ignorant ass today.

i am a techno GOD

2006-04-06T23:07:00.000-07:00

The baby iPod is operational once again!!! Gone are my days of being stuck on planes next to creepy men and being forced into perfunctory conversation with them...when the white earbuds are in, no one can touch me. It lay on my desk, all alone and not working; it made me so sad to watch it collect dust. My baby is alive again :)

As much as I despise Microsoft, I do appreciate the ease of setting up auxiliary devices...I just love it when you plug in a new printer and the window pops up and asks if you would like for it to install itself...I still hate Microsoft but am at least grateful for easier use of the iPod.

i just found my destiny

2006-04-06T17:12:00.000-07:00

Can I just say that "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler is the most awesome song ever? I don't know how I lived 21 years without owning it. It's so incredibly overdramatic, almost stalker-like. I love the screamy vocals towards the end of the seven-minute melodrama, the vampirey organ synth, and the excessive use of cymbals. This is the best song EVER!!!

the effects of sad bastard music

2006-04-01T14:10:00.000-08:00

I used to think that depressed people were the only interesting ones, because they were the only ones that could really see. Conversations I have had with fellow sufferers of depression I felt were the most profound conversations I have ever had with people, that it touched on something that was so true. Then I realized that what we were probably most insightful about was discovering our own faults.

Though I don't miss those times at all, since I've been treated for anxiety and depression I feel kind of disconnected from myself sometimes, and it scares me a little that I used to feel so close to my emotions and so inside myself and now I feel quite the opposite. I suppose that while it is interesting to lose yourself in your thoughts and spend an afternoon being pensive, it is incredibly isolating. I suppose you can paint the experience of being inside those emotions for so long as being artistic, being interesting, but what it really ends up being is letting yourself be vulnerable to your inner critic. Sometimes if I haven't taken my Paxil in a few days and I listen to some good sad bastard music I get completely lost in it and I feel like I connect with those emotions in a way that I don't when I've been regularly taking the medication. I wonder if being treated for it is really losing your connection to that part of yourself, to creativity, or perhaps even putting a damper on your self. But then I come back and realize that before I was treated, I could have an occasional interesting conversation on the nature of life, but most of the time I was simply really, really depressed. And I felt so far away from the rest of the world; looking back on it I feel almost selfish for spending that much time thinking about myself, even if all of the thoughts were criticisms. Now I feel connected to others and emotionally present in a way that I never have, and I enjoy it so much, because I have never had so much of a desire to help others. I don't feel like I'm on a separate plane from my friends anymore. And that is probably closer to what is true than anything else I've experienced--being emotionally present in the situations in which you find yourself, and understanding what people say to me as they are actually said, rather than adding other bits of my neuroses on them ("I know that the professor said I was smart but I think he secretly hates me; I can see it in his eyes."). I suppose it is easy to think that experiencing your depression must be "the truth" (I don't mean this at all in a Matrix/religious sense, I mean it in the sense of an individual's truth), because it feels so powerful, but it is a chemical imbalance, and the insane ups and downs are probably simply the unfortunate effects of this, not the full experience of Life unencumbered by antidepressants.

(I still would like to see data on what percentage of musicians/artists/writers had problems with depression. Especially makers of sad bastard music. )

cd request

2006-04-01T01:53:00.000-08:00

Does anyone that reads this blog like the Cardigans (or know anyone that does)? Before you think of "Lovefool" and start laughing, their latest album, Long Gone Before Daylight, is quite delicious and I used to have it on my computer, but lost it, and I haven't ever gotten my hands on the one before that, Gran Turismo...so if you have any of their albums besides Life, the one I already own, please please pretty please can I borrow it?

recent happenings

2006-03-31T21:26:00.000-08:00

Klinton had to install Windows on my computer. It was a sad night, and I needed some time with my pretty Ubuntu linux desktop to say goodbye. I would have kept it for as long as I could have, but I had to make my iPod work, so it had to go. :( Luckily Klinton was able to customize it so that it didn't have a nice ugly XP taskbar and enormous window borders, so I can pretend that it isn't actually Windows. But I still get some fun error messages and slooooooowww startups.
I got new glasses! I had to get new ones and then got the run-around from my insurance company so I had to go home to see my old optometrist and pay out of pocket. (However, he gave me professional advice for free!) We had no idea when Kaiser would decide to give me back my health insurance, so we decided to suck it up and just go to Lens Crafters, which is my new favorite place. They made me a pretty new pair of glasses in 30 minutes (not their usual hour!) and they're Armani! I'm very happy with them.
I almost cried when I watched #1 Single with Lisa Loeb. I feel like I'm on hormonal replacement therapy.

pray that I don't get mangled by squirrels

2006-03-30T15:59:00.000-08:00

I hate health insurance companies! I realize that when they do work for you, they have very awesome powers, like paying 80% of expensive medications and surgeries, which is so amazing and fun to me. But getting them to just DO anything is like pulling teeth! I don't know why needing to speak to specialists consists of so many illogical steps, why you have to have to talk to the claims department every 6 months to continue getting your benefits, even though you are already entitled to them by being a plan member...I just found out that my mother's insurance company cut me off when I was 19 even though they are supposed to cover students until they are 25, and even though multiple letters proving that I was a student have been sent to them on multiple occasions. And I've been going for the last two years thinking that I was covered under her insurance! Thank God nothing terrible happened to me in that time. Recently I've needed to make various checkup appointments and my mother's company assures us that I am covered, but the insurance company doesn't recognize my account at all. I'll just have to pray that I don't get mangled while they figure their shit out. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh, and a strange dream

2006-03-23T12:51:00.000-08:00

Geoffrey will appreciate this. I had a pretty strange dream this morning, in between smackings of the snooze alarm. I don't really remember how it started, but somehow I became aware that Julia Roberts was in a lot of trouble, and I was related to her closely enough that I would become aware of this soon after it happened. There was a flurry of people around her, and I was trying to ascertain the details of the situation. Finally I found out that she had killed someone, and that she entered her plea as guilty, but then changed it back later, and that caused a big stir because people thought better of her when she was admitting her own guilt. Everyone decided to hate her when she claimed her innocence. Somehow I went back in time in the dream to find out what actually happened. It turned out that she thought that she was being stalked by an Elvis impersonator (which, I was told in the dream, had just happened to her). When driving home late at night, she thought she saw someone walking towards her house and thought it was another stalker, got really scared, lost control of the car, and accidentally hit him. I talked to her and asked, did he really look like an Elvis impersonator? And she said, actually, no, he looked like that guy [pointing to Elvis Costello, who happened to be standing nearby]. It turned out also that after the body landed in her yard and had been lying there, the investigators were so disgusted with her actions that they dumped the dead body on her doorstep. I don't know what the resolution was in her trial, but they did let her out of confinement to go to her son's college graduation. The son kind of looked like the mean guy in That Thing You Do!. When she saw him and went up to hug him, I was standing behind her, but then assumed her body while she hugged him, for some reason. Then it was over.

???

i don't have three arms

2006-03-23T12:40:00.000-08:00

So because of the lack of response to my millions of emails, I could not find any Hindi speakers for the experiment, and when I told this to my professor, he got all jazzed about a new project and now wants me to do that. He threw out the old project before I could finish telling him my troubles. But like half an hour ago, one of the people I emailed about participating in the Hindi experiment said he would be available to record tomorrow....so I asked my professsor about it and he told me to record him. Nevermind my own assignments to turn in before Spring Break or anything like that. Unlike Prathna, I am not Superman.

BUT I get to see the Klinton on Sunday!!! I miss him so much when I have so much stuff to do in my life.

By the way, my yoga teacher said that the recitation of "om" (or more traditionally, "aum") and its frequencies gave us all of the sounds and all of the languages of the world. I suppose you could stretch it to be partly true, that the primordial aum created all of the energy that is used and reused in speech, and it is supposed to have a low/back, middle, and front sound...but what about the fricatives and implosives? Another ling student friend of mine is the class with me and when the teacher said this I glanced over at my ling friend, knowingly.

I <3 phonetics!

Ugh

2006-03-21T00:36:00.000-08:00

I have to take an online training course from the National Cancer Institute showing that I know how to conduct research ethically on subjects that I don't even have!!! My former phonetics professor and I have been trying to do a speech perception study on Hindi stops but that first requires Hindi speakers, which I cannot find. But at least I have this awesome training course to entertain me in the meantime...ooo...syphilis...

scent deja-vu

2006-03-07T16:31:00.000-08:00

It always fascinates me how a simple scent can not only bring back memories connected to that scent, but almost transport my consciousness to a different time. I just used this fragrance that I received from my roommate in sophomore year, and the very second it reached my nose I was in my old house, looking at my old walls, hearing music that I played so often then, and I felt like my mind was a different one, for a few seconds...I felt like I had reassumed my brain from two years ago. For a few fleeting moments I was my younger self, in a calmer time, in her strange, disconnected world.

hy-po-chon-dria bangs head

2006-03-01T01:20:00.000-08:00

Dear friends,

Please, all of you, comment and tell me that I am being a hypochondriac worrywart. Bird flu is starting to freak me out. I started reading the CDC website and I saw the word "pandemic" !!! and I thought, Oh dear God, it is like 1905, or whatever.

*going to wash hands now*

Important questions

2006-02-26T21:42:00.000-08:00

1. Where will I be in ten years?
2. Are locational preferences inherited from your parents? Though I differ greatly from my parents (and though they differ greatly from each other) we all like to be on coasts. Why is this?
3. What will happen to me if I am not on a coast?
4. How will I obtain more Diet Coke?
5. How can I be more efficient?
6. Why does my historical ling professor know everything?
7. Will I ever realize that it really isn't that big of a deal?
8. Do the carefree people I envy actually exist?
9. Will I ever figure out how to live my life in each phase before the phase ends? Is that how you know when it is time to move on?
10. Will getting groceries ever cease to be a daunting task?
11. When will I feel like my age? Or will I be 13 in my head forever?

!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-02-25T13:52:00.000-08:00

Okay, I was just posting a comment on my friend's xanga page, and I saw one of those banners where you answer a question and you can win a free iPod or whatever. Usually they are pretty innocuous, though still quite stupid, like "Which one of these actresses is Mary-Kate Olsen?" with three pictures of blonde people. This one had a picture of Lindsay Lohan, and asked, "How much does Lindsay Lohan weigh?" What the hell is wrong with our society???!?!?! Every so often I am filled with such anger at this culture, its hyperanalytic obsession of bodies and beauty that drives each member mad in some way or another. It is so absurd to me that this country is so obsessed with diets and thinness when there is so much hunger in the world. I'm guilty of being consumed by it too, and I know how consuming it can be, that the width of your stomach becomes the most important consideration in your life. It just amazes me how pervasive it is. That even these stupid banner quizzes concern themselves with someone's weight. Lindsay Lohan is a beautiful girl; why won't they let her just be a beautiful girl? Why isn't that enough? I'm so completely tired of seeing these magazines tracking the internal torture of anorexic (or at least too-thin) celebrities. I saw one in the grocery store with the headline: "Nicole Richie gains 3 lbs!!!" accompanied by a picture of her eating a sandwich quickly. I don't mean to be presumptive, but I would imagine that celebrities that weigh under 100 pounds (and are not 4'8") are exhibiting signs of some kind of problem, and I can't even imagine what it would be like to undergo that kind of pressure in the public eye, to see pictures of yourself eating on magazines. It's bad enough for regular people.
I guess my big question is "Why do we care?" Where did this come from? What makes people in our society think that they have the right to scrutinize people in this way? What will make them stop wanting to?

oh computer...

2006-02-25T13:06:00.000-08:00

Something that is causing me great sadness right now is that my iPod will not work in Linux. K. downloaded a program for me that would work like iTunes, but it only worked when he used it, and it won't work for me. (Any of you computer-savvies know how to fix Banshee?) It just crashes whenever I plug in the iPod. Won't recognize it at all. I love my baby iPod that my mummy got me and I can't even add songs to it :( So it looks like K. will have to switch me back to Windows, which I am dreading, because I have grown to love using Ubuntu Linux and have actually learned how to do some stuff by myself! I despise Windows and its constant error messages: "Internet Explorer has experienced an unexpected error and must shut down." Because it makes me feel that much better to click "Send error report." But I suppose being able to easily use my toys is some motivation.
On a happier note, I set up my ethernet cable and I can actually use the internet in my apartment!!!! It's soooooooooooooooooooo fast! And I don't have to keep restarting the computer! I can't get internet if I move anywhere else, but I don't care!
I talked to my grandmother a few minutes ago and I was so jealous because she was going to go to the yarn store and get yarn to make a scarf for my aunt. It is the perfect day for knitting! I wish I could go with her to the yarn store and play with all the plushy yarn and be knitting away for hours with my grandmother, with a cat curled up at my feet. And eat cabbage rolls. And tend a fire in a fireplace. (My grandmother does not have a cat or a fireplace, but I can add them in my head.) Such a happy idea.

can't...move...will...collapse

2006-02-21T11:58:00.000-08:00

after a week of being ill i returned to my yoga class, without having done any yoga since a week and a half ago...not a fun experience. i was better than i thought i would be, and i thought my upward-facing dog was pretty sharp, and i was very impressed with my warrior poses. though i unconsciously tried to turn them into ballet poses, so while everyone looked fierce like this, i was trying to do this. but then when my strength was starting to go, she, in her ever-chirpy voice chirped, "ok, now balance all your body weight on your arms!" and i fell, and i fell, and i fell. i am now an amorphous blob, and want to go crawl into a hole and sleep for a couple months. if i can ever get out of this chair.

transcription woes

2006-02-20T04:33:00.000-08:00

Dear crazy author and editor of Indo-European Language and Culture,

I am a poor little student of Indo-European languages. I have very much reading to do. You have no idea how discouraging it is to sit down with your book to tackle some tasty correspondence sets when all of a sudden, there are some symbols that I cannot interpret. I realize that it is your intention to preserve the writing traditions of the respective languages that you present to me, but do you think you could have an explanation of terms, perhaps? Little footnote? An appendix? Something? I have dealt with the fact that in linguistics I will never know what j means until its value is stated specifically, but it's everything...the unidentifiable cedillas under vowels, the j issue, and freaking written c's (that you graciously later tell me represent k). Can't you do that for all of your ambiguous symbols? So I don't run around my apartment like a mad woman screaming, "Is it a postalveolar affricate or a palatal glide??!?!?" Or here's a thought: Use the damn IPA! That's why it is there!!!!!!!

Grrrr...

2006-02-15T20:08:00.000-08:00

Never really realized how much the long-distance relationships suck...You underestimate how very nice it is to have someone there to give a quick hug to in the middle of your homework. Sad...

Encounter with creepy men

2006-02-04T14:32:00.000-08:00

As Prathna has her regular installments of "Conversations with Ashok", I like to have a semi-regular storytime of encounters I have with creepy men. Partly because I wish to warn the ladies, partly because of the incredulity of these happenings.

"The Foot Rubber"

Claire's 21st birthday was last week and to celebrate, we all assembled to go to Club Montero's to go salsa dancing. I was very excited to have built-in opportunity to dance at a SLUgS gathering, since at our house parties the dancing only occurs a) after people are sufficiently sloshed, and b) if Alex and/or Margaret are there. I put on my prettiest party dress (it was green and it twirled A LOT when I spinned!) and met the crew down there. We had Alex, Sepi, her amazing friend Jason who came to my rescue later in this story, Claire, Yuichi, Jimmy, and other friends of Claire's. I thought that our group would be all organized in one place in the club, so that if I didn't want to dance, I could just sit with my Alex, but we were pretty scattered, which meant if you weren't dancing, you were wandering around alone looking for the other people. And that is what created the problem.
After I danced with Alex for a bit, I went to get a drink, came back, and no one was there...so I sat on this little bench where random people had been gathered before. I pretended to be very involved with my drink. But that didn't stop...the Foot Rubber.
So there I am, sipping my drink, minding my own business, when this really creepy guy comes over to me and extends his hand to me, implying his desire to dance with me. The man is super red in the face and he looked incredibly drunk. Not wanting to get involved in that, I politely declined and said, "I'm sorry. My feet really hurt right now, so I think I'd better sit this one out." He kind of looked away, then extended his hand again. I thought I should just repeat what I said, but louder, so I said, "My feet are really killing me. I can't dance right now. But thank you." He kind of stood there for a while, looking at me in an evaluative manner. Or completely blankly. I couldn't tell. The staring went on for a long time. I then tried to send distress signals to Sepi and her friend, who were dancing nearby, and after a couple of tries, they saw my look of sheer terror and came to my aid. Jason sits down next to me in a "she's with me" manner and says, "Dude, she said she can't dance right now. Her feet really hurt." Our little drunk friend then looks at my feet, bends down and begins to caress them. I retracted them like claws, and just looked at Jason because what the hell do you do when a man caresses your feet in a club???
Then he tried saying the same thing in Spanish, which just received more blank looks. A staring contest ensued. Jason then simply shakes his head, perhaps thinking gestural communication was more his thing. At that, drunk guy lightly hits Jason with the back of his hand on his shoulder. Jason stood up and was like eight times taller than him, but drunk guy then just hits him again at his hip. At that point, I was getting really freaked out, because drunk guy was completely unpredictable. This attracted the attention of the guy that was standing next to me, by his girlfriend, and he joined in the effort to rid me of the Foot Rubber. He said something like "leave them alone, she's not going to dance with you", which made drunk guy lightly hit this man on his shoulder, in the same manner. We were all now dumbfounded, and kind of kept looking at each other, and at drunk guy, and at each other again. Finally I just started talking to Jason privately, ignoring drunk guy, and he slowly slithered away.
WHAT THE FUCK?
I learned later that this same man had previously tried the same thing on Sepi, who was too nice to say no to him, so she ended up dancing with him, which led to him nuzzling his greasy head full of hair gel and sweat at her neck, and then grabbing her ass. Jason had to swoop in to her rescue too.
Here is the lesson of the day:
Make Alex pretend to be your boyfriend whenever you go out.

Notebook is here, and other good news

2006-02-04T14:10:00.000-08:00

Finally, the day I had been waiting for my entire life...the golden day...the day that would mark my change from a girl to a woman...MY NOTEBOOK ARRIVED! They left it at my door on Monday and I saw it, in its (near) perfection, and despite several strange flaws, it was everything I ever wanted it to be. While the pages were indeed right side up and facing front, there were a bunch of slits in my plastic dividers...but I am just glad I could take my baby I mean notebook home.
NOTEBOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!
In other news, I think something is seriously wrong with Berkeley water or something, because all of my friends that I have talked to and I are having serious difficulties studying. They can call it senioritis, but I cannot, so I don't know what to say. My ability to concentrate and read at adult speed is completely gone. Maybe I should go to the Derek Zoolander Institute for Kids Who Want to Learn How to Read and Do Other Really Good Stuff Too.
I am excited though because the Klinton is coming up on Thursday for the Berkeley Linguistics Society conference/Valentine's Day/our one-year anniversary! I cannot believe that it has really been that long, or that little at the same time. I still feel like it wasn't all that long ago that we finally figured out that we liked each other and when I was constantly at his apartment listening to his music, but I feel like I have known him for so long. !!! And it still makes me giddy that I finally got a red-headed boyfriend :) it was a lifelong goal. I suppose it would be slightly creepy if our hair was the same shade of red and if our eye color was the same (K. maintains that they are the same...only like two other people think my eyes are green! All my official documents say I have blue eyes!).

NOTEBOOK

2006-01-26T14:58:00.000-08:00

I have a new best friend. Thank you so much Jim at officemax.com Customer Service! My notebook will arrive tomorrow, hopefully with right-side-up and front-facing pages! Aaaaa! I can't wait to take notes in my real notebook! With PLASTIC DIVIDERS! Laurel knows how it is.

NOTEBOOK!!!

minesweeper sucks

2006-01-19T09:21:00.000-08:00

Fuck: I had to calling Billing and Payment Services and their line was busy for freaking ever so I decided to play some Minesweeper until the lines cleared. I never realized how depressingly hard that game is. I've played since I was little but only now did I actually figure out how to skillfully play the game. I actually counted all the little numbers and checked to see how many proposed mines they were touching, and I came soooo close to winning. I could smell my victory over the game. I envisioned passionately happy phone calls to my parents, who have also been frustrated by the game in the past, telling them that I figured out how to do it! I am the underdog! But then, during all the glory, I made a stupid assumption, when I was on my last flag, that the 4 and the 1 must be making reference to the same mine, because they were close to each other. BUT I WAS WRONG. Never make assumptions in Minesweeper! Doubt yourself until the bitter end. My victory smelled so sweet, even sweeter in comparison with my foul defeat, cruelly.
On the up side: Finally I got through to Billing and Payment Services, and they said I wasn't actually "dropped from the rolls" and that my grades "should" be posted online. I don't believe them, but if the computer system says I'm fine, then I should be fine. I feel silly now for all the hysterics and hyperventilating and I'm-going-to-jump-out-the-window threats I put forth last night. I fucking hate you, UC Berkeley administration!

back in the saddle again

2006-01-18T23:27:00.000-08:00

It's very hard for me to accept that things are winding up again. Last semester was the most I've ever worked in my entire life and I'm not ready for that again. I have all this reading to do and all I can bring myself to do is stare at the wall and think about some time when I was nine and I wanted to wear this pretty green skirt that my mom had with her gold bracelets so that I looked like a lady on the plane. My brain is refusing to focus on the here and now. Whenever I try to bring my eyes back to my book, they became instantly interested in my nails or my email box.

Also: Ubuntu has some horrible screensavers loaded onto it. There are like four with ants crawling all over the screen. Like I really want to see technicolor ants creeping all over the screen. Whose idea was that, and why did they think it would be popular? Sometimes they are crawling in hamster balls. Why not put a cute, fluffy hamster on the screensaver? Get it together.

Last thing: nataliedee.com is even better than ever before. Her drawings become more witty and ironic daily. Everyone go look at it. I am so honored that I introduced it to Jasmine :)

a long overdue hello

2006-01-16T22:56:00.000-08:00

Hello to all my friends! I hope everyone had a wonderful and restful Christmas break.

I wish to apologize to everyone for my lack of ability to answer the phone/check voicemail/check email/check facebook for the numerous messages that were left by friends trying to contact me. I felt like I was in a different land and I completely forgot about time and practicalities, and then found nine bazillion messages. Klinton and I were trying to do so many things in our time off, including a linguistics conference, but I miss everyone and I feel bad for not getting back to everyone and for not getting to hang out with Geoffrey, who was in SD during the time I was freaking there. And I didn't return my grandma's phone calls either...I've definitely moved down a couple of notches on the favorite grandchild scale. :(

On the up side, however, I have returned to Berkeley with many wonderful acquisitions:
1) a freaking iPod nano! I have needed one for so long. It is the answer to all of my life's problems.
2) a new freaking computer! It is also the answer to all of my life's problems. It is a) really fast, b) completely silent (sorry roommate) and c) way lighter than the old one!
3) a Palm Pilot! It's just the little simple one, but it kind of looks like an iPod, and it does everything that I need it to.
4) my mom gave me a beautiful beaded velvety shawl. I'm not sure how to wear it yet, but when I figure it out it will be FABULOUS!
5) a messenger bag! so I can be cool like everyone else. Klinton got tired of looking at my dirty old backpack that I've had since freshman year, and convinced my mom to buy it. It's quilted!

I was really sad to leave the Klinton again--I was there with him for such a long time that I got all used to having him with me...and then I had to turn around and leave again. But I'm happy to be home again in my Berkeley, in my tiny little bed, with my campanile, my Dwinelle, and my Cafe Intermezzo. And now that my Diet Coke supply has been replenished, I'm ready for a new semester! ;)

hilarious

2005-12-23T01:44:00.000-08:00

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Brave Astrologer.
Where You Lived: Mexico.
How You Died: The Plague.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

I heart Bono

2005-12-20T20:08:00.000-08:00

Oh Bono, you have gotten me through so many bad experiences of my life. Like, oh, 1998-2003. Do come back, let's open a few Diet Cokes and ruminate.

dear phonetics professor, i love you, but...

2005-12-20T17:15:00.000-08:00

I be booking my plane ticket to Kiev now. (I am told our village was not far from Kiev. Maybe I can get a donkey ride there or something.) I am very excited about my new life in the Ukraine. I will be happy to be with other people like me, with large heads and high tolerances. So long, American friends. Tell my professors goodbye for me; I am no longer of their world.

(Btw, I will go far in the Ukraine with my TWO Ukrainian utterances:
varenyky = pyrogies
Hto te lyupish? = Who do you like?)

why do i fail? (i can say it because i really do)

2005-12-08T12:51:00.000-08:00

The events of today have brought clarity to my mind and have made me realize a very important thing. I have realized that I am not cut out for this academic world; I have denied my roots for too long. I come from a long line of Ukrainian gooseherders, and to these roots I must return. I suppose I'm just a simple girl at heart. Hello, village. Hello, house without electricity. Hello, making crafts for money on the side. We're going to be great friends.

Symbols

2005-12-05T04:12:00.000-08:00

All of my ling peeps will agree:

How much glee do you get when you insert an IPA symbol correctly into your paper, especially the really tricky ones, like the alveolo-palatal fricatives? Aren't they beautiful? I just love looking at the perfect little symbols and rejoicing in the beauty of fonts.

Hee hee..........nerd.

my jolly friends upstairs

2005-12-03T21:45:00.000-08:00

Gaa! The people that live directly above me have been vacuuming the same spot in their carpet alllllll day. I think they started at like 3 pm, and in 10-minute bursts they furiously vacuum their carpet in the room that is located directly above my head. Earlier today, after one of such bursts, they decided to hammer something into a wall? But they were apparently unsuccessful, because that went on for a long time too. And I think they were deciding on different places to put their stupid picture, because banging noises were coming at me from all sides of the room. It was almost as fun as the time I started hallucinating, thinking my room was possessed by the devil.