i can has weight loss?
Blegggg...So here is my declaration to the world, so that in admitting it to others I may admit it to myself: I gained weight. I gained some thesis weight, kind of like winter weight, as it was a kind of hibernation for me. I kept thinking that I didn't really, that it was just PMS, it was just hormones, I just ate too much salt last night, I just have a warped perception of what I look like, I'm just bloated from being hot...and then I tried to wear a pair of jeans that has always fit me on the loose side and they barely barely barely fit to the point that I'm not sure that it is socially acceptable to wear them in public.*side note: I appear to be sitting outside of some kind of workshop where white (very, very white) people are being taught how to rap. I think they are trying to rap about ice cream to the tune of "My Humps." Yes, this is at Stanford. Oh, now they've just come out and they have bird beaks on their heads. This may also be Harry Potter related but I am not sure. No, I'm not hallucinating. I apologize for deviating from my original train of thought, but I felt that real-time narration was the only way to help you experience the shock along with me.*
But yeah, the jeans, they hurt me. I kept trying to sit funny all day so that one could not see my enormous body trying to escape from its constrictor. ENORMOUS. I've always kind of wanted to weigh myself just to check in, since I haven't weighed myself in almost three years, and I want to make sure that I don't weigh a gazillion pounds, but I'm pretty sure I'd kill myself if I saw the number right now. I think I'll wait on that until I have an idea of what it would be.
This is just so frustrating because I now realize what happened, I've learned my lessons, I know that being so busy has forced me to make really terrible food choices for the last few months, but now that I have repented, I'm still paying for it, and will be for several more months. This is the vicious circle that I've dealt with since I was eleven and realized I weighed a little too much: I come to the realization, realize that it will take me several months to get the weight off, which feels like forever, and flail myself on the bed and think, "It'll never come off, so why try..." And a year later, when I'm still in the same boat, I realize that if I'd just picked myself up and stopped whining and actively tried to do something about it, I could have been at my target weight ages ago. But at the time, several months of trying to lose weight sounds like a lifetime. I keep telling myself that if I don't focus on the weight loss itself but focus on being healthier, that it will come off before I know it, and I'll get into a much better pattern of eating and living, but I don't believe myself.
I never developed a healthy way of dealing with my weight. The words of my father sound in my head, the words that I hated hearing but were so true: "You're completely all or nothing. You either have to go at something full tilt, or not at all." And it's true: I either starve myself or exercise like someone's holding a gun to my head (I preferred the starving), or I just sit and cry and never get anywhere. I can't relate to you how many times I created calorie plans in my head which would give me a magic number of how many weeks it would take me to lose the weight, because I needed to circle a day on the calendar to tell me when I could be normal again. I can't tell you how many times I noticed differences in the scales at home and at the doctor's and how crazy I got trying to recalibrate my home scale. I know this isn't easy for anyone, and I know I'm only trying to lose a little bit, where there are millions of Americans needing to lose like seventy-five pounds, which I can't even fathom. I've just dealt with questions of my weight for so long that I feel like a failure every time it comes around again. But I know that weight/eating will always be a problem for me, whether it goes too high or too low.
a meta question: I always feel so melodramatic (can't you tell?) when I think about my weight problems; whenever I'm trying to lose weight it feels like my weight problems are like my personal cross to bear, my silent struggle, the thorn in my side. The constant journey that no one understands. Stupid whore. Go worry about globalization.
Now I'm playing Metallica in my head:
this thorn in my side
this thorn in my side is from the tree
this thorn in my side is from the tree i planted
oh it tears me and i bleed
and i bleed
Okay, you know it's time for some anti-d's when I start quoting Metallica. I'm not really that despondent about it; I just lose all hope when I finally realize that I'm back in that place again, that I'm back in that same spot I was when I was thirteen, and I haven't learned a better way to deal with it since then.
On a lighter note...
The rappers are back. Now the white rappers are singing about sunlight? Still to the tune of "My Humps"? Is this a high school chemistry summer class about chemistry or something - and they needed a song to learn about photosynthesis? What the hell is going on??? I just heard "Ima block block block the light, block the light out of the sky." !!!! At least they're not trying to Christianize "My Humps" ... "Ima save save save your soul, save your soul from your evil self" I kinda like it; I think I'll pitch it to some CCM musicians. It would be all the rage at the crazy Christian camp!
Back to work.
posted by siobhan @ 1:52 PM
1 Comments:
i totally relate. i am always on a "campaign to make my pants stop hurting" campaign. or, at least, whenever my pants start hurting i start the campaign.
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