the effects of sad bastard music
I used to think that depressed people were the only interesting ones, because they were the only ones that could really see. Conversations I have had with fellow sufferers of depression I felt were the most profound conversations I have ever had with people, that it touched on something that was so true. Then I realized that what we were probably most insightful about was discovering our own faults.Though I don't miss those times at all, since I've been treated for anxiety and depression I feel kind of disconnected from myself sometimes, and it scares me a little that I used to feel so close to my emotions and so inside myself and now I feel quite the opposite. I suppose that while it is interesting to lose yourself in your thoughts and spend an afternoon being pensive, it is incredibly isolating. I suppose you can paint the experience of being inside those emotions for so long as being artistic, being interesting, but what it really ends up being is letting yourself be vulnerable to your inner critic. Sometimes if I haven't taken my Paxil in a few days and I listen to some good sad bastard music I get completely lost in it and I feel like I connect with those emotions in a way that I don't when I've been regularly taking the medication. I wonder if being treated for it is really losing your connection to that part of yourself, to creativity, or perhaps even putting a damper on your self. But then I come back and realize that before I was treated, I could have an occasional interesting conversation on the nature of life, but most of the time I was simply really, really depressed. And I felt so far away from the rest of the world; looking back on it I feel almost selfish for spending that much time thinking about myself, even if all of the thoughts were criticisms. Now I feel connected to others and emotionally present in a way that I never have, and I enjoy it so much, because I have never had so much of a desire to help others. I don't feel like I'm on a separate plane from my friends anymore. And that is probably closer to what is true than anything else I've experienced--being emotionally present in the situations in which you find yourself, and understanding what people say to me as they are actually said, rather than adding other bits of my neuroses on them ("I know that the professor said I was smart but I think he secretly hates me; I can see it in his eyes."). I suppose it is easy to think that experiencing your depression must be "the truth" (I don't mean this at all in a Matrix/religious sense, I mean it in the sense of an individual's truth), because it feels so powerful, but it is a chemical imbalance, and the insane ups and downs are probably simply the unfortunate effects of this, not the full experience of Life unencumbered by antidepressants.
(I still would like to see data on what percentage of musicians/artists/writers had problems with depression. Especially makers of sad bastard music. )
posted by siobhan @ 2:10 PM
3 Comments:
Hey,
I know exactly how you feel, and I've had the same debate with myself as to whether I should get off the anti-d's so that I might be a more wholesome person emotionally. I think a lot of interesting questions come up when you're in that state, and it is really interesting to be so inside your mind...(sounding whacked out now) and that's not a bad thing really. I think, perhaps, we all reach an equilibrium where we are able to be in touch with ourselves AND be reasonably steady emotionally. I often feel way more intelligent when I'm off the meds, but it's ultimately a trade-up: would I rather be smart or stable? For the mo, stable is ok, and the smart/introspection comes back. No worries. It sorta balances out eventually. It's easy to feel so different from other people, like on another plane, but my personal experience was that those people would be on another plane no matter what (and it may turn out that you really DON'T want to be a part of their worlds). So many people are simply not as sensitive and discerning, but these speak further to your own virtues. Vive la difference! Anyway, hope you have been well, xxx Moop.
Thank you M! I'm glad that someone else knows what I mean about introspection, and the difference between introspection and moping. You should bring back Brych's advice column!
Not a bad idea...send me your questions!! And the questions of others so that I might have a somewhat fruitful (at least amusing) advice column endeavor! xx Moop
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